Dec
31
Does the blame game leave you feeling unsatisfied and unhappy? Does expressing your emotions in terms of who is right and who is wrong ever leave you feeling worse than when you started. Fortunately, you can improve your relationships and the quality of your life by following three easy steps.
One way to start being happier is to understand what it is that’s causing you to feel tense and angry in the first place. Start by listening to the things that you are saying to yourself. Most likely, every upsetting thought you have has to do with things that you “don’t want” and is focused on who’s “right” and who’s “wrong”.
Consider these thoughts as an example: “They know better than telling me lies!” (’They’re wrong!’) “If they truly cared for me, they would not act in that way!” (’They’re wrong!’) “They should never butt in if I’m talking!” (’They’re wrong!’)
Notice how each of these thoughts focuses on things that the person doesn’t want to have happen they don’t want to be lied to, they don’t want to think that they’re not cared for, and they don’t want to be interrupted. Whenever you focus on what you don’t want, it’s very easy to become trapped in the “Right/Wrong Game”.
The question is why did we start playing the “Right-Wrong Game” at all? From early on in our history we can find evidence of this game being played. For reasons we won’t go into here people have decided it is very important to make the distinctions between, who’s nice and who’s naughty, who’s right and who’s wrong, who’s good and who’s bad. From adults that played the game with us we learned the rules well and have become expert players.
The problem with this is that, while we learn to be very good at identifying who’s right and who’s wrong and saying what we don’t want, we don’t learn the skills to identify what we do want–the things that are really important to us.
What’s worse, partaking in this game can drain you–a cause of stress that diminishes your sleep, attitude, and finally, your happiness. The “You’re wrong, I’m Right” game creates cycles of pain, confusion, and discomfort. If you find that you feel uncomfortable when pondering the same issue more than three times, it is likely that the cycle has begun.
Think about it. Frustration and anger cause stress. Stress affects your mood. Your mood can create problems with how you interact with the world. Interaction difficulties can lead to more frustration and anger. If you find your thoughts returning to the same upsetting situation, and leave you feeling uncomfortable, tense and angry, you’re a major-league player of the “Right/Wrong Game”. Unless you learn to break free, you may find yourself getting sucked down into the quicksand of this cycle.
Fortunately, there is a fairly simple choice you can make about whether or not you want to continue playing this game. That choice can be summed up by this popular quote from The Course in Miracles that asks, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
How to Free Yourself
Instead of trying to be right all the time or focusing on what you don’t want, learning to identify, quickly, what it is that you do want is a key ingredient. This idea is the secret to finding genuine happiness and breaking the never-ending cycle of anger and frustration.
More than desire is needed to get out of the emotional quagmire of the “Right/Wrong Game.” You also need to develop the skills and thought patterns necessary to break out of that vicious cycle. Overcoming it will feel odd at first and may take a while, but it can be overcome just like any bad habit with increased self-awareness and effective practice. If you are tired of constantly feeling upset and emotionally exhausted, this can be a worthwhile area for improvement.
You can start playing a new and improved game. It only takes three steps.
Step One: Self-Guidance Using Your Feelings to Direct You
We’ve talked about how the “Right/Wrong Game” causes tension and anger. There is a reason for this discomfort. Feelings of discomfort are part of your emotional guidance system. Think of them as a warning signal that something deeply important is missing from the situation. Feelings of discomfort show you that it’s time to get back on the path to the life you truly want.
Step Two: Discover the “Do Want”
If you start this step by focusing on your true inner desires–what you do want, you will then be able to stop focusing on what you don’t want. It is of utmost importance to be able to distinguish between the two. Practice listening to what you’re thinking. If you notice yourself thinking about what you don’t want, what you don’t like, then stop and flip your attention to what you do want in the situation. If someone has lied to you and you hear yourself saying: “I don’t want to be lied to” dig underneath that “don’t want” and identify what’s important to you about people not lying. Most likely trust is what’s most important–what you “do want”.
Or, if you’re feeling angry and frustrated and you hear yourself thinking, “If they really cared about me they wouldn’t act like that!” then caring, belonging, and consideration are most likely the root of what is important to you. So your “do want” in this case is to experience people acting in ways that show they care about what’s important to you when they make decisions that affect you.
You need to be able to identify what’s most important to you before you can figure out how to get it.
Step Three: Make the First Move
Now that you have figured out what’s most important to you in the situation, it’s possible to make a plan of action. Do your best to focus on what you do want and avoid focusing on what you don’t want. In order to have more trusting relationships, identify something you can do to achieve that trust and if you want caring, then come up with something you can do that will generate caring.
Even taking a tiny action in the direction of what you “do want” is better than sitting around and suffering. When you start to take action, you will begin to notice your anger and tensions melting away! Indeed, you can free yourself from the “Right/Wrong Cycle” by working towards those things which you really want. By taking immediate action, you start down the path that leads to a stress free, happier life.
Are you ready to change your focus and play a new game? Sign up for our thought-provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com/cmd.php?ad=317928. Each tip offers unique self-help skills and personal growth techniques to help you in focusing on the things that are most important to you. Or visit us at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com
- Beth Banning and Neill Gibson
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